Not every day needs to be good
As some of you know, I'm leaving in a few days to lead a retreat in Mallorca, Spain. This retreat was planned almost a year ago, so it's no surprise that the time is here—although given how quickly time moves, it's still a little bit of a surprise that it's come so fast.
My oldest, Ryan, was with us all last week, our sweet family of four together. I've realized that the four of us are really good at having quiet time and space for ourselves, even when we're all sitting in the same room. Somehow, even with our differences and growing pains, we are far more alike than different.
Ryan left this morning to head back to Los Angeles. Christopher headed off early for football training, and I worked from home. Truth be told, I'm a little under the weather but on the mend. All of that mixed together, I found myself super tender today.
Tender that I am leaving town for 10 days, crossing a big body of water, and won't be with my family. Tender that my oldest is creating a life that he loves in LA—I am happy for him, but I miss him the moment he leaves, right after that second hug goodbye. Tender because my almost 18-year-old truly is one of my biggest teachers with his one-liners and truth bombs. For the first time probably in my children's lives, I want to freeze Christopher a little bit in this senior year, just for us to have a Groundhog Day and live the same day over and over. That sounds pretty divine, if just for now.
What I felt today, though, was different than what I would have felt a decade ago or before. I knew today that I didn't have to do it all, and that me showing up as my best was far from what my best has been in the past.
I knew that although I'm leaving in a few days, I remembered the good that would happen, too. I'd have time alone for a couple of days before the retreat starts. I'd have time to recharge after a very, very busy year—a year where I have so much going on that it takes other people pointing it out for me to see it. And I was traveling to do something I absolutely love to do and that fills me.
Both things can be true. I can pursue the work that means so much to me and I can miss what is at home as well.
As the day went on I found so much good. Ryan called me a couple hours after getting home, just to check in and see how things were and tell me about his day—this, after I hadn't seen him in a whole six hours ;). I brought lunch to Christopher. I told him I would wait for him to give him a hug when he met me in the parking lot. I told him that I was a little moody because I was going to miss two of his football games and be leaving town for 10 days. His reply: "ahhh you'll be in Spain kid" his way of saying enjoy – go do your thing.
So while this Monday Night Write is about not much, it's also about everything. I tend to wear my heart outside my sleeve, and when I'm really tired and not feeling well, it's even further out than that. And that's okay.
Years ago, I may have called a day like today mundane. Now I call it tender. A tender day—the kind of day I'll remember.
The day closed out with a dear friend texting me, someone I've written about before. Both of us only children who have found sisterhood in this life together, and she understood. I was just a little tired with a whole lot of tender, and she met me where I was.
Life is feelings. Life isn't things. Life is family, whether you've chosen them or been born with them.
Not every day needs to be a good day. Many days can be good enough, and that can be plenty for our hearts and our souls.
